Feeling FEAR and doing it anyway......because we are worth more!

FEAR.

A four letter word.  Yet so many of us if asked which 4 letter word beginning with F is the one they consider inappropriate would chose a different work that sounds like 'Buck'.

So why is FEAR so acceptable.  Why do most people find it completely natural to have FEAR and to accept it both for themselves and for others?
;
Because apart from needing to breathe and a few other commonalities in humankind, we all feel FEAR at some stage in our lives - yet it isnt something we are born with.

FEAR is a feeling.  Its created when we believe that something is going to be painful or damaging to us or someone we care for and we learn this feeling over time.  Yet how often has that FEAR actually become a reality?  I'll wager not that often.

Many times in my 41 years have I felt fear.  With hindsight and experience, some I would say are entirely natural.  Others are completely irrational and being brutally honest, a load of bullshit I told myself.

Here's a few examples I can reel off:

• 1st time travelling on the train unaccompanied as a 14yo heading to my army interview.
• Crashing my Mum's car at age 17 and having to face my Dad.
• Multiple occasions whilst serving in HM Army (facing the fitness assessment over most other things!).
• Flying.
• Becoming a Father.
• Losing my job and being able to provide for my family when the banking crisis hit in 2009.
• What people think of me.
• My first iron distance duathlon.....putting my £400 bike up against £3000+ bikes and suddenly thinking I was out of my depth and going to come last.
• Talking to people and being judged.
• Undiagnosed illness in 2014 that left me weak and lethargic and with serious concerns about my health.
• My Daughters going to high school.
• One of the Scouts in my care being hurt.
• Being alone.
• Not being the man my Father expected me to be once he had passed and not keeping a promise to him.

I'm sure many of you can find as many and perhaps more.

Some are physical threats whilst others are emotional or mental ones.  And there can be a place for FEAR within our lives.  It can be a driving force, something that creates the 'fight' instinct for us to push further than we thought ourselves capable.

And then there are those situations where FEAR causes us to shut down, to hide away, to become less than we actually are because we are frightened.

So why do some people, in fact why do we sometimes find it within ourselves to overcome some of our FEARS and yet at others times be completely paralysed and introverted as a result of them?

Can you think of a time you felt fear but went ahead and did whatever it was anyway and felt such an exhilarating rush when you overcame it?

I can.  That iron distance duathlon when I was ready to pull out because I was FEARful of coming last and being embarrassed.  

What made me overcome that FEAR?  Actually it was a greater FEAR of having to face my wife who was 'persuasive' in her encouragement that I enter based on the fact I had been a complete pain in the arse in the run up to the event and if I didn't see this thing through then I wasn't allowed home.

She jested of course..........at least I hope she did..............but the impact was made.  The fact that the consequence of not doing something was greater than that I was FEARful of happening when I did do something.  I chose the lesser of the two pains and the reality is that my FEAR never came true.

The other major FEAR that I have experienced in the last 2 years is that of falling short of being the man my Father expected me to be...........at least the man I expected to be in order to live up to the role model my Father was.

Its a responsibility that has been heavy for just short of two years.  And one that with it has brought me suffering, misery, pain and heartache, not just to myself but to those around me.

As time has progressed, my self confidence eroded and my self identity dissolved gradually and systemically.

Superficially putting on a brave exterior but deep down feeling hollow, empty, like a shell of a man without any filling or substance - just grinding out a living and surviving.

So what changed?  The recognition that the very thing I was afraid of was coming true because I was focussed on it, attracting it like a magnet attracts metal, so that the story was becoming the facts.

Shifting my mind towards what I had, not what I had lost or did not have, enabled me to shift into appreciation.  Up until then I hadn't really understood what gratitude truly meant.  Now I do.

No longer do I mourn the loss of my Dad, but I celebrate the time I had with him and the gifts of knowledge, courage, wisdom and experience he bestowed upon me in order that I look out for my family.

I am no longer lost without his direction because I know that he gave me the skills to set my own direction, to respond and react to my environment as he did with his.

So let me ask you again.  What are you AFRAID of?  And how much of your day do you spend thinking about it and trying to avoid?  

If you're not focussed on what you have and can enjoy then you will leave this life unlived.

2010: The Fat Lad out jogging

2016: The ultramarathoner finishing a 53miler

Refuse to live an unlived life............be unreasonable with yourself and don't be scared to follow your dreams.  If someone tells you that you can't do something............unless they are paying all your bills in 5 years time I suggest you limit the time you spend with them.

Of all the things I was afraid of, I have experienced each of them and am still here, in one piece, healthy and happy with a fantastic family around me who are also healthy and happy.

I would also never have attempted to run.  Certainly not in public and also not in lycra!!

FEAR - Fuck Everything And Run
Or
FEAR - Face Everything And Rise

Don't let a feeling that more often than not wont come true become your future or your reality!

There is so much more you can become if you just stop holding yourself back.  And that's all it is.......ou holding yourself back because you are frightened of what you might become!

Science of Achievement AND the Art of Fulfilment

Been a long time since I last blogged............such a lot has happened in life and to be honest, I think I lost my way a little after losing my Dad in 2014.  My last post was actually almost 2 years to the day.

But lets leave it there in terms of explaining a prolonged blogging absence..........its in the past and that's where its staying.

The reason for restarting is I revisited one of my blogs from 2 years ago and received such lovely comments that I thought I should pick this up again.  It also helped remind me of where I had come from and in a rather timely fashion, gave me a retrospective insight into my mind post Hoka Highland Fling 2 years ago...........just a week before I attempted it again.

So.....journey starts in October, one Sunday evening with 2 laptops, a tablet and an iphone ready to go when entries open for the 2016 race.  Its rumored to be a record sellout year.........and having withdrawn in 2015 as I wasn't strong enough due to an illness late in 2014, I wasn't going to miss again.

Training commenced in November as I'd just been ticking over in September and October following 87 miles of Ring O Fire in early September.

I entered the Herbalife Level 10 Body Transformation Challenge to take me from November through to February with the aim of building lean muscle and strength to prepare me for Feb, March and April hard running.

90 Days - 11lbs muscle on, 2.5% body fat down

I gained 11lbs lean muscle and dropped 2.5% body fat in this time so was pretty pleased with progress and really looking forward to a 12 week 'run' in,

The first 4 weeks were steady mileage building and nothing really of note.

8 weeks out from race day and I'm starting the phase of arriving on race day in peak performance.  My goal is to take at least 2 hrs off my previous time of 14hrs 15mins.

Started on a Monday morning with a 7am Functional Training session.............during which in a shuttle run set, I tore my left calf muscle.


Hearing the 'pop' and feeling the snap I went down like a sack of spuds.  Oh shit, this isn't good.

I get home, elevate it and get ice on.  Start the self diagnosis (via Google) and then decide to ring my physio's at First Class Physiotherapy, Glasgow and get booked in.

Diagnosis confirmed.  Grade 2 tear.  6 to 8 weeks recovery time - with the race now less than 8 weeks away.

What followed was the normal dance you'd expect between a professional physio and a pushy, 'I'm indestructible' amateur runner.  One exercising caution, the other pushing the boundaries. Guess who was who!!

Acupuncture, ultrasound, tissue massage and a suite of exercises - plus I did actually do as I was told..........for 3 weeks.

Needles!!!!!

Coupled with this treatment I had also adjusted my nutrition and increased the amount of turmeric and amino acids as well as removing any residual toxins that would inhibit repair.

So all was going well, healing nicely and becoming weight bearing.  I get the all clear to commence light running again for Easter weekend.  Which was great as we were away in one of our all time favourite places in Scotland near the Torridan mountains.

On crutches for 8 days

I'll cut to the chase....I pushed too hard and went into the hills, knee deep in heather and high running burns and then along sand dunes and the inevitable.........the damage I had done had not yet repaired so I was close to being back to square 1!

Almost beside myself thinking I had blown all chance of getting to the start line, I was back in for my weekly physio and this time, I was rather more humble.  I accepted that I would not really be running before the actual race.  This was my best chance of being able to make the start line.

Only thing worse than a DNF is a DNS.  I have never DNS and never aim to either.

So I followed the advice from Joanne, Nicky and Rachel at First Class (yes, it took 3 physios to get me to the start line!) and did my exercises and resigned myself to no running prior to the actual race.  My new goal...........be able to make the start line!

The imbalance as the left calf still swollen just a week before.

I kept up my core strength and did some swimming and cycling, but really laid off the running.  Instead I worked my mind as hard as I could in an effort to replace the physical preparation with a stronger mental condition.

This was going to hurt - no doubt about it, so I needed a mechanism and tool set to get me through.

I was already booked to see Tony Robbins, the giant of a man with a gift for inspiring people to unleash their inner strength, at the beginning of  April and the timing couldn't be better.

If I actually tried to write about the 50hours spent in that seminar I would seriously go on for hours and hours and hours.

Unleash The Power Within - London 2016

Instead, the key takeaways I will share with you all were:

1. Pain and Suffering are different.  You cannot be in a suffering state if you can appreciate and be grateful for the things you do have.
2. You can change your state in a heartbeat - just recognise the monster and kill it quickly.
3. I walked on burning hot coals just 3 weeks before an ultra race in my bare feet and survived! WTF!!
4. The energy unleashed in that 50hours did not leave me exhausted.  So a 14hour ultra should be a doddle!

But the most important part for me was that you can achieve something you are aiming for and still be unfulfilled.  True happiness can only come once you have succeeded AND enjoyed the journey to achievement and where it leaves you.

So I came back, 3 weeks to go with a complete and utter different mindset.  I knew physically I was going to have a challenge but mentally I had not felt stronger.

Paradoxically I entered the 2016 Highland Fling in a less prepared physical condition (running prep) but a lot calmer, confident and a believe I could finish.  Something I had not had before.

The day before I went to The Carrick Spa and spent several hours relaxing.  Again, something completely new for me.  Floating in the heated outdoor infinity pool looking across Loch Lomond at the snow capped mountains was a surreal experience.

Part of my preparation was to put my fuel into 'drop bags' or in my case 'drop pots' for collection at stages en route.

I wrote a key message to myself on each one.  At 34 miles, the message read: 'Think about how far you have come, not just today but the last 4 years. Today is YOUR day!'

I look back, several days after the run and can recall many a moment where I was able to smile, enjoy what I was doing, the scenery and people around me and the experience I was getting.

'I'm on the Highway to Hell!'

Don't get me wrong, it was hard physically, but I chose not to suffer.  Instead, I caught the monster and quickly found something to smile about.

One moment in particular, just 5miles from the finish, was running down the 'rollercoaster' near Crianlarich with my headphones in and singing along to my playlist.  I arrived at the bottom belting out 'Highway to Hell' to a bemused Vicky, several other spectators and the A82 road crossing marshal.  Funny!

But there was one thing above all else that gave me a huge amount to smile about and be grateful for.  True, I had some fantastic friends out on the course, in fact I had run with many of them for many miles.

But to know that Georgia, my youngest Daughter (11) was going to run the last few miles in with me was exciting and had me energised for the finish like nothing else could.

She had given up the chance to have a sleepover at her friends and also not played in her teams football match so she could come and support me with Vicky and Lauren (13).

But her Sister also had plans.......and coordinated a surprise 'ambush' just half a mile from the finish line from Jacqueline, Paul, Reece and Kieran who jumped out on us.













An emotional moment and one I will treasure for many a year to come.

And that brings us to the red carpet.  A wonderous and joyful finish where no matter your time, you get a welcome like you were the first one home.  In fact, having acted as sweeper to the course last year, the last person home usually gets the loudest cheer.

Georgia and I crossed the line.  I had finished.  53 miles of the West Highland Way in 13hrs, 59mins and 30seconds.

To finish was enough, but to finish quicker than my previous time was just fantastic!

There are many people who made this possible and also who helped capture the memories.  At the risk of missing someone out, here are a few.  Please don't be offended if I don't mention you personally, rest assured, I know what you did and am grateful!

John Duncan (RD) and all the marshals and volunteers.
Monument Photos.
Joanne, Nikki and Rachel at First Class Physios
The PT team at Tollcross Leisure Centre
Our entire Herbalife team for their support and encouragement.
Alison McLaren for running with me for 33+ miles
Yvonne for the lift to the start line.
Paul Deveney
Vicky, Lauren and Georgia for being there on the day.
Jacqueline, Paul, Reece and Kieran.
And every person who clapped, cheered or wished us well in person or on social media.
Thank you all!


Here's some of the details for those that are interested in terms of my running kit and nutrition on the day.

Nutrition Plan and Body Stats

• Starting weight: 15st 1lb (taken 29th April)
• Body Fat: 13.4%

Total calories burned - 11534cals

• Finishing weight: 14st 13lb (taken 2nd May)
• Body Fat: 10.3%

I used a mix of liquid and solid fueling throughout the race due to the duration in order to get maximum calories without causing GI distress.

Carrying options for both Prolong and CR7 Drive gave me alternatives based on the conditions and how I was feeling.  As the temperature was quite warm, I swapped to CR7 later in the race and increased the solid food fuel.  

Using Prolong at the outset enabled me to carry less for the longest section before reaching the checkpoint where my drop bag was.

Race day breakfast:

• 4.00am: Herbalife24 Formula 1 Sport shake
• Multivitamin, B12 supplement, Thermocomplete, Roseguard, Fibre & Herb
• 4.30am: Porridge with 10g added protein

Milngavie to Balmaha - 20miles

• 2 x 500ml of Herbalife24 Prolong
• 1 x 9Bar Carob 

Balmaha to Rowardennan - 7miles (27 culmulative)

• 1 x 500ml Herbalife24 Prolong
• 1 x 500ml Herbalife24 CR7 Drive
• 1 x wholemeal sandwich thin
• 1 x Trek Bar (Morning Berry)

Rowardennan to Inversnaid - 7miles (34 culmulative)

• 2 x 500ml Herbalife24 CR7 Drive
• 1 x wholemeal sandwich thin
• 1 x 9Bar SuperSeeds
• 1/2 tin of baked beans (cold)

Inversnaid to Bein Glas - 7miles (41 cumulative)

• 2 x 500ml Herbalife24 CR7 Drive
• 1 x wholemeal sandwhich thin
• 1 x mini pork pie
• 1 x espresso shot

Bein Glas to Tyndrum - 12miles (53 cumulative)

• 2 x 500ml Herbalife24 CR7 Drive
• 1 x 500ml Herbalife24 Hydrate
• 1 x mini pork pie
• 1 x espresso shot
• 1 x 9Bar Carob

Post Run

• 1 x lentil soup
• 1 x Herbalife24 Rebuild Endurance
• 1 x Herbalife24 Rebuild Strength
• 1 x Herbalife Niteworks
• 2 x Herbalife24 Restore
• 2 x Herbalife Roseguard
• 1 litre Herbalife24 Hydrate

Running Kit

• Hoka Rapa Nui TR2s trainers
• Karrimor drymax socks
• Kalenji runderwear
• Nike CombatPro 3/4 leggings
• Saloman Ultra shorts
• RatRace compression top
• Nike DryFit H24 Tshirt
• Karrimor gloves
• Montane Litespeed jacket
• Nike RZR cap
• Innov8 RaceVest Ultra 8
• Bose waterproof earphones
• Iphone6 in a Survivor case

Beauty and the Beast - Hoka Highland Fling

In the immediate 24hrs after, it would be too easy to get caught up in the emotion and romanticism that is all to evident in the euphoria of completion for a virgin 'flinger'.

However I am rendered to remain with my feet firmly in the world of reality.....it was brutal!  A slog, a grind, a 'dig deep and keep going' day of epic proportions.

If you've read my previous posts, you'll know I'm not a novice when it comes to endurance events and trail over road when it comes to running.  But I don't think I was as prepared as I could be - perhaps a little complacent in that the miles I had clocked up would do me sufficiently.  In truth, they did.  It was the sheer toughness of the terrain that did for me.

My feet remain in reality because the simple fact is the soles of them are trashed.  A school boy error of judgement not to have spare socks en-route and to continue in wet socks for the whole distance meant that when I eventually peeled my (once white now dark brown) foot coverings off, the wrinkled, shrivelled mess revealed my punishment for being silly.

But, do you know what.  If I am going to remain in the world of reality, then let's way up the pro's and con's of the whole event, from start to finish and beyond - to see whether the price was worth the prize.

Things in favour:

• Great pre event information, registration and simple to follow instructions.
• High emphasis on fun and camaraderie.
• Some of the most supportive, engaging, well wishing marshals you could ever wish to meet!
• 'Swap Shop' table at all check points - don't fancy what you packed?  No problem, swap it!
• The weather was extremely kind to us!
• Vicky, Lauren and Georgia buzzing around all day, appearing at checkpoints and cheering on via text.
• Some enjoyable conversations with some great folks on the way round!
• Mark's (my running partner) descent of Conic Hill - forever known now as Comic Hill......despite a dehydrated state I still almost peed myself with laughter!
• The reception towards the finish line....incredible, uplifting and in 30seconds almost eroded the entire memories of the last 3hrs.
• Quite simply there is no other community that is so broad minded, supportive, engaging and understanding as some of the people I had the good fortune to meet that day!
• A goody bag that was exceptionally good, full of useful stuff including the obligatory T-Shirt.

Downsides:

• The last 12 miles were just a trudge and try as I might, I could not find enjoyment.
• My white socks will never, ever, ever be white again!
• I have a few blisters preventing me running for a few days.....but not cycling!

Coming into the event with a week's worth of rest, a solid nutrition plan and a minimum of 100miles a month under my belt as well as some 20 to 30 mile trail runs, including those on sections of the route, I was feeling reasonably confident.

Mark and I set our plan out as an average of 12min miles.  Approaching Conic Hill we were well up on time with over 30mins in hand.  Arriving in Balmaha (20miles), we had 35mins in hand on our plan.

And then the wheels came off.

Finally I needed to pee.  A rust colour emerged could mean only one of 2 things.  Either my internal metalwork was corroding or I was dehydrated......it was the later as for the next 3 miles I cramped on my calves and groin.

I was carrying 1.5litres of fluid each section.  But this one ran past some free flowing burns so, with heritage linking back to Yorkshire and having lived in Scotland for 12years I sensed the opportunity of a freebie and necked one bottle and then refilled with some of the National Park's finest H20.

The undulations round to Rowardennan were a bit up and down - literally and metaphorically.  Mark had a few moments and so did I.

Then, 27miles, Rowardennan in sight - spirits lifted, we arrived at halfway just on 6 hours.  A 12hr finish still in sight...for now!  Also there was Vicky, Lauren and Georgia.  Spirits lifted even higher.

My first 'shock' of the day was to see an acquaintance from Edinburgh with whom I'd shared a cuppa and ultra chat.  He was a seasoned endurance runner and had shared his hints and tips with me on ensuring DNF did not appear next to your name.  He was pulling out!  Couldn't believe it and the look on his face was of sheer demoralisation.  In one sense I felt sad and for a moment contemplated whether I was being over confident in my abilities.  Then I thought how far I had come in the last 2years since I started running in any seriousness and got a boost of self confidence.

That lasted all of the next hour - until technical sections that were in fact a boulder scramble right through to Inversnaid....and then again from Inversnaid to Bein Glas.  In the space of the next 3 hours, Mark and I watched our dreams of a 12hr finish disintegrate as Mark's feet and knees went the same way.

During this point, watching Mark's determination to keep going despite the growing discomfort brought mixed feelings.  1, we were slowing and there was a risk of not making the cut off time.  2, what a guy!  Committing to the goal in hand and not giving in!

By now, the pace was grinding me down mentally.  I wasn't prepared for not making the cut off.....my goal was simply to secure the 2 UTMB qualification points for the run.  But I wanted to do this comfortably, not at the last gasp of available time.

As I managed to pass some other runners and some walkers, I was able to pick my pace up a touch.  Mentally, I resolved to push on to the next check point and give myself 15minutes.  If Mark showed, I'd wait and discuss.  If not, I'd push on.

He showed and off we set on the last 12miles together....slowly.  It was horrible.  Both our feet were bruised and sore.  Mark had a nightmare with his trainers having traveled from London the day before and leaving them behind.  Me - I'd just been silly and allowed my feet to get wet through sweat and not put dry socks on.

Every slight incline now made our quads and glutes scream.  Every slight downward step made the knees squeal with resistance to the torture they were being put through.  

Under the A82 and up onto the final stretches.  More runners grouping together now and at this point, a 100m opens between Mark and I.  A quick check, a wave, a thumbs up and the agreement is made that I can push on to overcome the ever nagging fear I have for not finishing in time.  The truth is I am hurting now.  But I'm pushing so as to end the pain, to get off the route and to sit down.  To claim my own personal victory.

I reach the 6miles to go point - calculate I have 90mins more running to do.  At this point, I seriously consider chucking it.  I am miserable, I'm hating the experience I have been looking forward to for months.  I'm regretting ever starting this ultra running malarkey.

My wife's pre run pep talk comes to the front of my mind. '

' Only 2 broken legs or death stop you finishing!'

Neither has happened - so I have to continue.

One foot after the other - acknowledge those on the path, thank the marshals at the road crossing and the Wigwams in Tyndrum for their kind words.  See a couple of runners ahead of me.  Focus - reel them in, give myself a goal I can see.  Work harder - 10minutes left to go, keep going, pain will end soon.  Please end the pain soon.......

And then, there it is.....500m to the finish (despite being told 1000m ago it was just around the corner!!)

Lauren and Georgia are there to greet me.  In my increasingly paranoid state, I tell them not to touch me as they might be considered support runners and I'll be disqualified........really???  Amazing what goes through your mind after 14hrs of running, climbing, scrambling, walking, crawling.......

There it is, the red carpet and yellow finish line.  Somehow, from somewhere, I find enough energy to pick up the pace and open my legs.  I get onto the red carpet.  I stop, take a foto of the finishing line and then try a 'selfie'.....to much applause from the spectators and previous runners who had already finished.

Sprint (felt like a sprint but all relative considering the shuffle for the last 12miles) to the line and I'm done!  

My first, non stop, 50mile + trail run that was an UTMB qualifier.  The furthest I have run in one go in my life by over 15miles.

Best of all, within 30mins Mark too had crossed the line!

I vowed not to do it again.  It was a tick in the box.  Been there, seen it, done it.  Never again, no need.

But there is a need.  A need to prove I can do better than I did.  To prepare better. So will I do it again in 2015......probably!

Sat here, Sunday evening approximately 24hrs since I crossed the line last night I'm already itching.  I have blisters but apart from that Im okay.  And blisters can be prevented so why not do it again???

My biggest lessons here were that age, shape, size, kit etc all don't make the slightest difference when compared to the power of the mind.  If you don't think you can, you cant.  And if any any stage you doubt you can, be prepared for the next period to be one of the darkest, most miserable and unenjoyable moments.

Its the littlest things that can lift you, but the most heartwarming is the sincere, genuine, and encouraging words from strangers who have gone before you, or are on the same journey - just in a different place mentally.

A bit like life in general really........ups, downs....a battle of endurance and stamina, your own will and dreams pulling you on, the support of those around you keeping you on your feet and moving forward.

2 years since I started and I've legitimately completed 2 ultramarathons now, 2 ultra distance adventure races and 1 iron distance duathlon. 

For a former fat lad, its a long way to come.  Talk of the loneliness of the long distance runner....but I am never alone for I am blessed with such supportive friends and family that all I need to do is reach into my memory and they are always with me!

It's Only An Excuse!

Just under 8 weeks to go until the HOKA Highland Fling 53mile ultramarathon.....the first of 2014 for me and hopefully my first 2 UTMB qualification points!

How ironic that I read an article entitled '15 Trail Running Excuses' as well this week.

Trail running, road running, exercise, work, life, relationships.......I'm sure we can all thing of plausible rationales we've come up with in our time to justify not achieving what we wanted to, or doing what we said we will.

But in all honesty, does it really matter if we don't achieve our goal?

Well yes, it does, but only to ourselves and those we committed to or who were dependent on us doing it.

Time is one of the most common reasons people give for not doing enough to get to where they want to be.

• 'I didn't have enough time to train because........'
• 'My time spent doing this was interrupted by/because.......'
• 'Something urgent came up and I had to use the time to do that instead......'

So there are 2 choices.  Adjust the expectation we set for ourselves and others, or create more time.  Don't know about you, but if I could find a way to increase the hours in a day to greater than 24 I am not sure I would like that!

Instead, I'd much prefer to look at how I do spend my time and see what is taking me away from the things I determined to be important to me.

One of the things I've had to do to avoid the situation of letting myself, and more importantly others down, is to each week set a plan and then make sure I keep to it, barring any emergencies.

This includes planning rest and sleep - it'd be too easy to plan 24hrs of activity a day but as we all know, rest is a key component to any training or physical endeavour.

The other major driving factor for keeping me on track with my plan is having an exceptionally strong reason WHY.

In the case of HOKA Highland Fling, doing it for myself and my dream of the UTMB qualification was good, but to do it and raise charitable funds for a good cause is something else!  So that's what I'm doing.

Rhys is a little boy who is the Nephew of a friend.  He has to go to Florida to receive life saving radiotherapy after being diagnosed with a brain tumour just before Christmas 2013 and having surgey to remove 95% of it on 29th December.  The last 5% needs treatment through radiotherapy.

But this will take 3 months and his family need to be with him at that time...so the goal is raise £25k of funds to enable them to travel and stay with him during this time.

As a Father I can only imagine what is going through his parent's minds right now. 

I don't have any skills or anything of value or contacts that I can use to make this better for them or to offer my services to raise funds.

But what I can do is promote the cause and use my efforts to generate more interest, fundraising and sponsorship for this exceptional family.

Endurance - sticking to the job in hand when the going gets tough.  I think this family are demonstrating the true meaning of endurance and Rhys's Auntie, who is driving the fundraising, is showing stamina beyond all bounds!

But with such a powerful reason to do this, wouldn't we all??

If you'd like to know more OR get involved and help, please find more information on Facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/rhys.stars.and.moon

Or you can make a donation here:

https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/3gbif

Why we run......

Biologically, evolutionary, spiritually, physiologically......there's an argument for each as to why people run.

In the western world, some run to maintain a semblance of activity in an otherwise sedentary lifestyle.  

Other continents and countries still see running as the primary mode of transport either because the infrastructure does not support vehicles OR the price of vehicles is prohibitive.

There are others who choose running as a form of spirituality...a path to enlightenment.  The most well documented of which are the Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei in Japan, who run distances of 52miles a day for 100 consecutive days.

There are those who run because they have to in order to survive....persistence hunters of the African plains, Australian bush and the few remaining true wildernesses on the planet. 

And there are those that run in order to compete, to be the best at one of the oldest of athletic measures that pre-dates Christ.  The 'Athletes'.

Finally, in my opinion, there are those that run 'just because they can' and for fun.  Amongst this group, the majority are (but not exclusively) below the age of 12 years old......

But amongst this hotch potch of categories there is a another group.  Those that run not towards but away from something.

For this group, fear is the motivation.  Fear of becoming trapped, of sliding into a place they don't want to be, of memories that they want to leave behind.  Its not something pulling them forward, its something pushing them further, harder and longer.

I run because I'm scared.  I'm scared of becoming what I once was and of losing the freedom that running has given me.....from constraints that couldn't be broken by a single act or being.

I don't care about times for specific distances, I don't care whether I place 1st or last in any events I may enter. 

I just care that I can run. Alone. With my thoughts. With my fears....compartmentalizing them and keeping them in check.  Making them manageable so that they are conquered by me, not conquering of me.

An old native American saying is 'Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins'.  But the truth is, never judge a man until you have walked the same path in the same shoes....because all journeys have a start point and no two paths are the same!

Therefore, in order to understand what drives a person, we need to know where they started, where they have walked and where they want to go....their direction and speed are not true indicators of what lies behind the visible indicators.

Jump......or fall.....your choice!

'When you reach the edge, you either fly or come crashing down with a bump......but you'll never fly if you don't take that jump!'

The surge of adrenaline, the thumping beat of your heart in your chest as if it is about to burst free from your rib cage, the cold sweat, the fumbling on the keyboard...........hit [ENTER].........done, no turning back, thats it committed now!

I've faced a few tricky situations in my relatively short life time, some I would rather have not been in and others that I relished.........but all that have defined who I am.  But nothing compares to the feeling of being so close, and yet so far (257miles on foot to be precise) away from what was only a dream 2 years ago.

In October 2011 I jumped.  I said something out loud to which my wife said 'Do it'. So I did.....I pressed [ENTER] not just once, but 3 times.........and set the wheels in motion for 2012 to be a life changer!

And then, for some unexplained reason, I did it again in October 2012......I hit [ENTER] 4 times......

And what did I learn.........that pressing [ENTER] more times is a jump.......a leap of faith in myself (and whether my wife and daughters have enough patience).....to test myself and go where I never thought I could go.

With 2013 coming to a close, I've hit [ENTER] a few more times........in fact more than enough to earn the 7 points needed to qualify for the 2015 Ultra Trail Mont Blanc............the dream!

All things in life worth having need to be qualified for.....you earn them by going further and pushing yourself harder.  The more you do, the more you get.

All the time, you have to keep asking yourself  'Is the promise worth the price?' because if it isn't, when it comes time to pay, you'll be lacking.

When we start out in life, we don't know how to walk, talk or even feed ourselves.......yet as adults we expect to be able to make massive changes and have things tomorrow that we haven't earned.  We haven't paid the price for them......we didn't qualify!

So here I am, 12 months away from qualifying for the right to attempt to fulfil a dream........that's right, I have to qualify just to attempt my dream....no guarantees!

Is the promise worth the price?  Damn right it is!  In one way, I'm half the man I was when I started out.......in other ways I have grown bigger.

But above all else, this is no longer my personal journey.  There are others sharing this path....some occasionally, some frequently and 3 people every single second of every single day of every single week of every single month.  My wife and 2 daughters.

Is the promise worth the price?  It has to be.  Otherwise the price paid so far is a debt that cannot be repaid!

It doesn't matter how fast you go, as long as you have forward momentum, you'll get to your destination at some point!

The Flying Geese - Dream Achieved

 Four days after completing The Wall Run, a 69mile ultramarathon from Carlisle to Newcastle and I feel like I've lost something.

Hard to explain.  I've spent 18months to reach this point and I exceeded my own expectations and then some.

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to have finished what was a gruelling test of endurance but there is something that just doesn't feel right and its taken me this long to pin point it.

We started at 8am on Saturday morning.  I say 'we' because there were 5 of us running the course as a team.

I wouldn't call us 'friends', more like acquaintances who shared common values, beliefs and goals.

The first few hours were spent mainly in a throng of the other 400 or so runners doing the event.  We chatted, talked about our training, kit, nutrition etc.  All fairly superficial conversation that could be held with anyone.  Not giving anything away of ourselves, such as the fear of failure, our worries or concerns.

After 13miles, things began to get more personal....a little more in-depth but still we were wallowing in the shallows.

15miles and we're at our 1st checkpoint and our support crew is there with shakes, thermo tea and tigerbalm!

As we set off for the next 17miles, it's almost like the ice has been broken!  We've got the mini speakers playing music from an iPhone and people are laughing with us as we run by.

Over the course of the next 4 hours, we begin to get more 'comfortable' with each other and less comfortable in our trainers!  Checkpoints become a point where we have personal 'timeouts' to gather our thoughts before reforming and heading back out.

Checkpoint 2 - Walltown Crags

Approaching the end of day 1 at 32miles, we are all feeling the effects of the day.  Physically we are tired and the same mentally.  We push on, very aware we want to finish strongly so as not to concern those waiting for us.  Encouraging each other, we each share what we are looking forward to at the day 1 finish line.

Almost end of day 1, just around the next corner!

Several hundred metres from the finish and we take a moment to thank each other and pass congratulations.  This is private - its for us only before we arrive into crowds and potentially lose the opportunity. 
Once we've crossed the line and had something to eat, we find out our support crew (my wife Vicky, our kids and Rosina - relay runner with Vicky H) have established camp.  Food is being cooked and we head off for a shower.

The next few hours are spent reminiscing about the day, comparing blisters, getting kit ready for tomorrow and generally enjoying ourselves and each others company.

It rains through the night, hard!  The wind picks up and its not anyone's best night sleep by a long shot.  Nonetheless, everyone is up and getting ready to move from the agreed time.  We work together and break camp, pack away and don our gear.  Time for a foto before we start out on day 2 - 37miles today!

The Race Director jumps in for a photo!

Everyone is stiff and sore but there is no question of not starting.  The fear of letting each other down is overwhelming.

After the initial 3 miles, most of which is trail or hill climbing, we hit tarmac road for the next few hours.  I'm starting to struggle with stiffening calves...not relaxed enough or stretched enough since the ironman duathlon 3 weeks earlier and its not coming to haunt me.

My team-mates slow the pace and work with me.  Our chatter is about all sorts but mainly about how sore we all are.

As we arrive into Hexham for our checkpoint and meet our fantastic support crew, the fact we have now been running for 49miles is beginning to show.  15minutes later and we're ready to go.  The [now] obligatory mickey-taking of each other is relentless at every stop, as is the photo opportunity!

With less than a marathon to run [funny how that seems normal and a short distance now] we set off with renewed vigour and a spring in our step.

Our strategy of walk uphill, run flat and downhill has served us well and is taken extremely literally now..every incline is treated with respect and we break to a fast march.


We've got 13miles to get to our next checkpoint and it is here we will run, for the first time, as the two doing it as a relay join up to run together.

We are now running on road, through trail, woodland, crossing a stream by stepping stones and at some points surviving torrential rain and thunderstorms.


At a pit-stop along the way, we find it funny to start trying to through chocolate raisins at each other.  In the last 5 miles we've been clocking 6minute 30sec kilometres....not a bad pace for all of us for whom we are in unchartered territory for distance.



At our last checkpoint, with just 7 miles to go, we're together as one unit for the first time running.  Not only are we bouncing off each other but everyone else in the checkpoint thinks we're nuts!  More foto's.......

And this time all sense and sensibility is out of the question as we pose for the daftest photo's of the whole weekend.

We don't care what we look like.

We don't care what people think.

All we care about is we are still together as a team with 7 miles to go to complete one heck of a journey.

And as we set off, another runner asks us 'What are you lot on?'

As one, almost in unision, we reply 'Herbalife'!

We're proud of what we are and who we are.  Its through our involvement with Herbalife that we came together for this venture and despite aches, pains and blisters, we are enjoying ourselves.

With 3 miles left on the clock, we are all digging deep now.  The close proximity of the finish line gave us a surge of adrenaline but its not enough to carry us through to the end.

Right now, as this point, we are formed into our 'V' - each taking turns to lead and set pace, with the others behind honking in encouragement.  If one needs to rest then we all rest together until ready to begin 'flying' again.

With 1mile left, the 'honking' takes over any pain.  The pace quickens, the tears begin to flow, we realisation we are going to finish, together, overwhelms us.  We're knocking on the door of a 5min 30sec km pace now - unbelievable at this stage.

And then the mightiest 'honks' of all.....our family and friends....we see them, hear them, feel their support from the crowd as we cross the line together!

People often talk about the loneliness of the long distance runner.  I believe in the camaraderie of the ultra distance runner.  There was one thing that got each and every one of us through this weekend and 69miles....team work.  

Quote from Vicky H
"WOW.. What a weekend!! So much emotion.. what an amazing feeling.. We started as a team at Carlisle Castle, We continued 69 miles together as one and we crossed that bridge to the finish line STILL as a team!! The strength and support these guys have is mind blowing & inspirational. Nothing is ever too much trouble, and that doesn't matter how much pain they are in. Keeping the team together was the most important bit for everyone!!!
To say on Friday, i had never met any of these guys before (except the amazing ickle ros ;)) I can walk away today and say we are just one massive family, exceptional close friends and this is an experience i will NEVER forget!!! Love you guys and thank you for everything... 'BRING ON THE WALL' xxxxxxx"

That just about sums it all up...the forging of lifetime friendships through a weekend of endurance.  And it wasn't just the runners....it was everyone who helped, supported and 'honked' in their own way!

This started as a personal journey for me.  To run an ultramarathon.  I did it, but I got so much more from the experience by doing it with other people for whom I have the utmost respect, admiration and who inspired me on the way.  No better way to achieve a dream!

Rosina, Vicky H, Kit, John, Vicky K, Charlotte, Jules, Martin